~a column by Colleen O’Brien
Do you remember the speaker at your high school graduation? Me, neither.
I recall only that our speaker was male. Were females invited as speakers at such events in 1962?
If the fellow in my gym gave us good advice that afternoon, I don’t recall it. As far as I was concerned, he was the faint “blah-blah” voice of adults in Snoopy cartoons.
I’ve never been asked to speak at a graduation; I believe one must have done something remarkable in one’s life to be added to the speaker-at-graduation list. I would guess there are more males addressing graduates than females, even today. Although I don’t know this for a fact, I do know that it’s still the way of the world – males pontificating. Not that females don’t or can’t pontificate, they (we) simply don’t get invited to do so as often.
Grad speakers are often politicians, an ironic twist to the tradition, seeing as how most people don’t have much good to say about politicians. So let’s invite them to give advice to our most dear people, our kids? And following in line, the grad committees like to ask a person who has made it; in other words, a wealthy fella. This, too, is problematic because the lesser classes have always mistrusted the rich. Religious leaders are often asked to speak, which is more problematic today than it was 60 years ago, because someone’s going to be offended in this era, although fewer of us attend churches than ever before, so why bother to get all ruffled? And now and then a writer or a poet will be asked to speak at a commencement; why, I don’t know, because these types are often listeners rather than speakers, better writers than they are talkers.
Maybe someplace in the U.S. this spring Mrs. America 2023 is speaking at a graduation ceremony. Mrs. America is a mom. She looks good (overweight, wrinkled, crabby and sagging are probably discouraged from applying), and I think she must have been a volunteer from the birth of her first child, kept House Beautiful, cooked nutritious meals (no McDonald’s, even on PTA night) and planted bulbs in the fall.
I’m never going to try out for Mrs. America, and I will not be a pol, a CEO or a religious even if someone begs. But I am a writer, I am a female and if ever asked to head ‘em up and herd ‘em out at commencement, I will say:
“I’m the first non-famous person, plain-old-mom to be invited to speak at a graduation in the entire history of the world. This is a precedent-setting occasion for all you grads out there today. If you remember nothing else from this speech, you may remember that . . . for it’s always nice when you are old to tell people during a lull in the conversation that you were a first in something.
“With my own kids, I realized after they left that I’d taught them four things — to say hello, good-bye, thank-you and may I. I admit I filled them with trivial Momisms for 20 years, the general run-of-the-mill mom stuff that goes like this: Do your own laundry, put the toilet seat down, clean up the toothpaste in the sink, don’t leave an eighth of an inch of milk in the carton that you’re putting back in the fridge. Also don’t hit, talk with your mouth full, clip your toenails in the living room, use the bad words when adults are around.
“These behavioral hints sound mundane on a momentous day like this. But there is little hope for the human condition if you neglect this advice. Because, you see, these homely little admonitions are simply literal interpretations of the main message – if you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, you’re being thoughtful of others by default.
“Maybe you all had crabby mothers, absent fathers, a sibling who tweaked you every chance she got, dimwit teachers and horrible happenings in your lives that made you weird. Well, so did I. But you’re grown up now, so you can quit making stuff up and blaming whoever it was you think made you the way you are.
“The great thing about getting out of high school with a diploma is that you’re on your way. At last. You get to get on with life – that’s what commencement means, a beginning. It means you get to start; you get to be responsible, you get to make a difference. And not an evil difference – in this century alone, bad guys have been a dime a dozen; so be a blessing, not a curse.
“Except by good luck, each of you grads sitting here hoping this will be short will get some help but not all that you think you deserve. Life is hard. If you all take care of your own business, the struggle between the great immensities of birth and death won’t be nearly so fearsome, believe me.
“All you have to do is mind your manners, which means taking care of business. You’ll make a huge dent in the grime and crime, ennui and cynicism of life as you think you know it. You’ll be a help, not a hindrance, and that’s all life asks of you, folks.
“You may commence.”
